missy rezebel

Keys to a healthy relationship

2011-04-12T21:23:00.005+08:00

Being in a relationship may be one of the most significant yet challenging phases in your life. It may give you a feeling of excitement, fun, intense emotions and some heartaches too. An essential element to a happy relationship with your partner is to maintain a healthy relationship.

Respect. Mutual respect should be about valuing and understanding your partner for who s/he is and is not. You should be able to respect your partner despite your differences and not try to challenge his/her boundaries.

Trust. It is normal to get jealous sometimes, but if your partner reacts way overboard or too differently when s/he gets jealous may no longer be healthy. Trust is very important for a relationship to survive. It can be very difficult for you to be in a healthy relationship if you or your partner has trust issues.

Honesty. Honesty goes alongside trust because you cannot fully trust if you are not being completely honest with each other.

Support. In a healthy relationship, both of you should always be there for each other not just in good weather but more so in bad times. Being there to hear your partner out or simply standing by him/her can do a long way for your relationship.

Give-and-take. A relationship in which one does too much giving and the other one does too much taking is not good, and is certainly not healthy at all. A relationship should be about giving and taking.

However, keeping a running count and checking whether you are doing it fair and square are not even healthy either. A relationship can take its toll for the worse if either or both of you always want it your way at all times.

Compromise. Being able to make compromises and looking after your partner's happiness before yours constitute a healthy relationship. However, that does not mean that you should lose yourself in the process, neither does it mean that you have to give up the things you love nor pretend or force to like something you don't. Even if you are emotionally exclusive, you should still be able to pursue your own separate pursuits and interests.

Good communication. Miscommunication, or a lack of it, can hinder a healthy relationship. Don't be afraid to tell your partner how you really feel even if it may sound silly or if it is not what s/he may want to hear. Your partner will appreciate it more if you do so.

Just as you do your part at making the relationship work, you should be able to love yourself first and more importantly. Often, unhealthy relationships spring from identity crises and self-esteem issues. Keep in mind that your partner is not responsible for your own happiness. If you are not happy with yourself, you may more likely find it difficult to make your partner happy and do your part in the relationship as well.

In addition, a relationship that no longer makes you happy and instead makes you feel as if it were more of a drag or burden may already be unhealthy. It is important to do a relationship check and discuss whether both of you can still work the relationship out or better let it go.

A relationship that lets you bring out the best in each other is always healthy. And by constantly working on these aspects, you can keep your relationship a truly happy and meaningful one.

unlock 10 ways to be more open

2010-11-30T01:14:00.007+08:00

Learn new things.

For me this one is key. The more I learn, the more I read about, the more I know. The more I know, the more likely it is that I will be able to relate to someone on some level. Because I am always interested in learning new things and I love to read, this one is pretty easy for me to want to do. However, if you're not into learning like I am, you can try watching the news and keeping up on current events. If you know about things, you can make more connections.
Monitor non-verbal cues.

This one is also really important. Generally I have very closed body language. Folded arms. Crossed legs. Body angled away from the person I am speaking to. I tend to look around a lot when I am talking to others, mostly because I am uncomfortable or distracted by my own thoughts. I don't smile nearly as often as I should. Smiling and using open body language makes you appear much more open so I plan to work on this a lot.
Listen carefully to others.

As I mentioned above, I tend to be distracted when it comes to interacting with others. I'm either thinking about what I want to say next or I'm thinking about something else entirely. Either way, this does not help me to be open to others. This keeps me focused on me, inside myself, and stops me from connecting with other people. If I work on listening better, I will be able to connect with others on a deeper level. I may also be surprised by what I hear when I open myself up to the words of others instead of staying trapped in my own little head.
Ask real questions.

When you're interacting with someone, it's easy to ask questions like "How was your day?" but it's a lot harder to ask the big questions like "What are your thoughts on religion?" Being open and connecting with others means understanding them on a deeper level. Not only does asking the "real" questions help you to connect with others, but thinking about and sharing your answers helps you to connect with yourself as well. When asked a question in return, be open. Be honest.
Ignore your fear.

The truth is, I'm pretty terrified of connecting with other people. I'm scared that if I share the real me, they will judge it or dislike it. I'm sure on some level we all feel this way and this fear can really hold us back from being open. If you don't share some of yourself with the world, you won't be truly open. So push that fear aside and don't worry about what others might think or say or do. Be you and you'll be surprised how much people will accept you.
Find ways to connect.

Finding ways to connect with others ties in with #1. If you take the time to learn about the world, and about others' views of the world, you'll have more opportunities to connect with others. Don't be afraid to share what you know or bring up unusual topics. You'd be surprised how much you might have in common with someone else.
Stay in the moment.

Tying in with listening, staying in the moment means really making an effort, right in that moment, to connect with someone else. Don't think about the things you have to do later. Don't worry about what you didn't get done that day. Be present. It's very difficult to be open when you are thinking about something else. Your mind is closed to a new connection when you are thinking about the past or the future. Be there, in the moment, and you will be much more successful in establishing an open, interesting connection with others.
Refrain from judging.

Just as I am frightened by the possibility that others will judge me, so is pretty much everyone else. We are all, on some level, worried about others' opinions. I'm a big believer in the idea of "you get what you give." If you judge others, you will be judged. If you judge others, you are labeling them, putting them in boxes, and, while this is convenient, it often takes away a lot of opportunities. Judging others is not a way to embrace openness so don't do it. Period.
Be as specific as you can.

When you're communicating with others, be specific. When someone says to you, "How was your day?" don't respond with, "Fine. Yours?" Be more open than that. Give details. Provide examples. Share stories. People will feel more connected to you (and will probably share some of their own stories) if you open up to them. Don't be afraid of details. They will not be used against you. (Okay, there goes my mind telling my paranoia to back off!)
Take your time.

Being open with others takes time. When you first begin opening up to people, there will probably be a lot of fumbling and bumbling and trying to figure out what you want to say and how you want to say it. It's not easy for everyone to be open and it may take an entire conversation (or many conversations) to really begin connecting with someone on an open level. Be patient with yourself. Every time you're open with someone, the door opens a little bit more. Every little creak of the hinge is progress.

taken from http://positivelypresent.typepad.com/positively_present/2009/04/are-you-open-.html :)

4. How to motivate the opposite sex

2010-05-13T23:35:00.003+08:00

Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed...
Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes passive and less energized; with each passing day he has less to give the relationship. When he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his efforts, he is empowered and has more to give.

When a woman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively responsible and exhausted from giving too much. When she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN

Let's introduce the win/lose philosophy - I want to win and I don't care if you lose. This won/lose attitude becomes harmful in our adult relationships. If i seek to fulfill my own needs at the expense of my partner, we are sure to experience unhappiness, resentment and conflict. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win.

"We need you, Your power and strength can bring us great fulfillment, filling a void deep within our being. Together we could live in great happiness."

This invitation motivates and empowers the Martians. Once in a relatinoship and as the problems begin to emerge, Venusians do not know how important that message still is to the Martians and neglect to send it. The Martians were no longer satisfied by just proving themselves and developing their power. They wanted to use their power and skills in the service of others. Slowly, a win/win philosophy was developed and the Martians wanted a world where everyone cared for themselves as well as for others.

LOVE MOTIVATES THE MARTIANS

When a man is in love he is motivated to be the best he can be in order to serve others. When his heart is open, he feels so confident in himself that he is capable of making major changes. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.

When a man is in love, he begins to care about another as much as himself. He can easily endure any hardship to make her happy because her happiness makes him happy.

WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN

Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished.

Martian instincts tell them it's best to be alone when Venusians are upset. When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or if he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does no instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing are to her. What she needs most is just someone to listen.

TOO MUCH GIVING IS TIRING

Venusians just want to relax and just be taken care of for a while. They live by a lose/win philosophy - "I lose so that you can win." As long as everyone made sacrifices for others, then everyone was taken care of. But Venusians got tired of always caring about one another and sharing everything. They were also ready for a win/win philosophy.

GIVING UP BLAME

When a woman gives too much she should not blame her partner. Similarly, a man who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive to him. Blaming doesn't work. Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance, and support are the solution, not blaming our partners.

SETTING AND RESPECTING LIMITS

A woman needs to recognize her boudaries of what she can give without resenting her partner. Instead of expecting her partner to even the score, she needs to keep it even by regulating how much she gives.

As a man experiences limits, he is motivaed to give more. Through respecting limits, he automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness of his behaviour patterns and to start making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to set limits, then automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and receiving support. When a woman sets limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more.

LEARNING TO RECEIVE

Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness. "Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. "Neediness" is desperately needing support because you dont trust you will get it.

When the Venusian is ready the Martian will appear.

When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she is opening the door for a man to give to her. Women, you don't have to give more to have a better relationship. Your partner will actually give you more if you give less.

When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more.
If there has been a lot of neglect it may take a while truly to heal all the accumulated resentment, but it is possible. Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change, the other will also change. When we are truly ready to receive then what we need will become available.

LEARNING TO GIVE

A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving. TO extend himself in giving to others means to risk failure, correction and disapproval. He wants to give but is afraid he will fail, so he doesnt try.

Ironically, when a man really cares a lot his fear of failure increases, and he gives less. When a man is insecure he may compensate by not caring about anybody except himself.

The first step for a man in learning how to give more is to realize that it is OK to make mistakes and it is OK to fail and that he doesnt have to have all the answers.

MARTIANS NEED LOVE TOO

Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they dont get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. That is why it is hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, he feels like a failure.

3. Men go to their caves and women talk.

2010-05-10T23:19:00.004+08:00

How men and women handle stress:

Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems.

COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS

When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave. If he can't find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game.

To feel better Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone.

When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day.

To feel better Venusians get together and openly talk about their problems.

A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his cave.

HOW THE MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS FOUND PEACE

Martians, learn to respect that Venusians need to talk to feel better. Realise that a Venusian attack is only temporary and that soon, the Venusian will suddenly feel better and be very appreciative and accepting. Listening to a Venusian talk about problems could actually help you come ot of your caves in the same way as watching the news or reading a newspaper. Learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible.

Venusians, learn to respect that Martians need to withdraw to cope with stress. Find peace of mind and understand that a Martian going into his cave is not a sign that he does not love you as much. Learn to be more accepting. Just politely stop talking, stand there, and wait for him to notice you when he is distracted. Ask for his attention in a relaxed and accepting manner and Martians will be happy to redirect their attention. Don't take it personally. When Martians feel loved and accepted, they will more quickly come out of their caves.

2. Mr.Fix-It and the Home-Improvement Committee

2010-05-10T21:41:00.004+08:00

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that MEN DONT LISTEN (so true) - either he completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses and offers her a solution. She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions.

The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that WOMEN ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO CHANGE THEM (so so true too!). When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things (Sooooo ME!). She thinks she is nurturing him, while he feels he is being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.

LIFE ON MARS

Martians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment.

They are more interested in "objects" and "things" rather than people and feelings.

Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself.

To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own.

Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness. If he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it, which in this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem is an invitation for advice, and another Martian feels honoured by the opportunity. This is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. It is his way of showing love and of trying to help.

He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus, talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.

LIFE ON VENUS

Venusians value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend alot of time supporting, helping and nurturing one another. A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.

Venusians pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and feelings of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked. Offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn't feel she trusts his ability to do it himself. It makes him feel incompetent, weak and even unloved.

Venusians firmly believe that when something is working, it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things and suggest how to do it. On the other hand, Martians are more solution oriented. If something is working, their motto is don't change it. "Don't fix it unless it is broken."

GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE

Venusians, always assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help. Restrain from offering any advice, take a deep breath and just appreciate in your heart what he is trying to do for you.

Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to "help" a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him.

Learn the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

LEARNING TO LISTEN

Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.

Martians, try to understand how important it is just to listen without offering solutions. Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honouring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking to truly understand the other's feelings.

Learn the wisdom of listening without offering solutions.

The two most common mistakes we make in relationships:

1. A man tries to change a woman's feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr.Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.

2. A woman tries to change a man's behaviour when he makes mistakes by becoming the home improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

IN DEFENSE OF MR.FIX-IT AND THE HOME IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE

The mistakes are only in timing and approach.

A woman greatly appreciates Mr.Fix-It, as long as he doesn't come out when she is upset. When women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead, listen and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.

A man greatly appreciates the home-improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Unsolicited advice or criticism makes a man feel unloved and controlled. He need sher acceptance more than her advice, in order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman is not trying to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.

When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing and approach.

SOLUTION:

WOMEN, practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism

MEN, practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through.

1. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

2010-05-10T20:49:00.006+08:00

REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES:

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone. As a result, our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict.

- this is exactly referring to me...

When you remember that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, everything can be explained.

AN OVERVIEW OF OUR DIFFERENCES:

The two biggest mistakes we make in relating to the opposite sex: men mistakenly offer solutions and invalidate feelings while women offer unsolicited advice and direction.

Men and women cope differently with stress: Martians tend to pull away and silently think about what's bothering them, Venusians feel an instinctive need to talk about what's bothering them.

- darn right!

Men are motivated when they feel needed (is this true?) while women are motivated when they feel cherished.

The greatest challenges: Men need to overcome their resistance to giving love (definately correct!) while women must overcome their resistance to receiving it (am I?)

Men and women give the kind of love they need and not what the opposite sex needs - men primarily need a kind of love that is trusting, accepting and appreciative. Women primarily need a kind of love that is caring, understanding and respectful.

For Venusians, every gift of love scores equally with every other gift, regardless of size. Instead of just focusing on one big gift, the little expressions of love are just as important.

GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH - Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will last forever. But as the magic recedes and daily life takes over, it emerges that men continue to expect women to think and react like men, and women expect men to feel and behave like women. Without a clear awareness of our differences, we do not take the time to understand and respect eachother. We become demanding, resentful, judgemental, and intolerant.

When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.

Through understanding the hidden differences of the opposite sex we can more successfully give and receive the love that is in our hearts.

Love is magical, and it can last, if we remember our differences.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus Introduction

2010-05-10T20:37:00.002+08:00

Opening the heart results in greater forgiveness and increased motivation to give and receive love and support.

Relationships do not have to be such a struggle. Only when we do not understand one another is there tension, resentment, or conflict.

When you remember that your partner is as different from you as someone else from another planet, you can relax and cooperate with the differences instead of resisting or trying to change them.

How to be more understanding

2010-05-09T22:26:00.003+08:00

In order for us to understand others, we must first get to know and understand ourselves.

1. Learn to identify your different moods.

2. Recognize your fears and insecurities.

3. Ask for forgiveness when you have made a mistake. Everyday we all probably do something that is not correct. We weren’t born knowing everything, but when this affects our loved ones, learn to apologize and try not to commit the same mistake again.

4. Know that everybody can think and act in different ways. Nobody is like us, so it is important that we learn to communicate with others, saying things in a clear way and not expecting others to imagine what we have inside. Only we know that.

5. Love yourself and you will learn to love whoever is around you.

The process to getting to know yourself only gets better with time, and as long as you remain clear that this will not happen overnight, everyday is perfect to improve a little bit.

Guys normally want a comprehensive woman, someone who can be there for them all the time, which is the point of being an understanding girlfriend. How can you show him that you are the one?

Let him know you are supporting him all the time. It is not necessary for him to tell you all his problems and every detail. The time to share will come, but he should know that you will always be there no matter what.
Do not constantly criticize him. Instead of noticing all of his negative aspects, learn to reinforce the positive ones, letting him be himself. This is a good way to help him eliminate his fears and insecurities, too.
Respect his own space. Everybody needs to be alone sometimes or share time with friends. As long as there is a balance between his friends and your relationship, there is no problem.
Do not push the wrong buttons. You are already learning what your different moods are and how you feel in each of them. Be susceptible enough to identify his moods as well. Share his interests. Find an activity you can perform together or try to learn a little bit more about his favorite sport/hobby.
Do not judge him. You are his friend, not his judge. If you would like to share some advice, just do it in the same way you would like to receive it.
Learn to know his points of view. The age-old “I’m right” does not exist. What does exist are different points of view that you can both share. According to the family, social, and cultural environment that we have grown up in, we learn to identify with different perspectives on the same subject, and sometimes they change with the passage of time and new experiences can be acquired.
Do not play at being a mind reader; be a listener. To be an understanding girlfriend you need to have an understanding boyfriend. The relationship is between you and him, and reciprocity is really important. Remember: everything is a process and there should always be a balance. Know, understand and love yourself and you will know, understand and love your boyfriend.

How To Be More Tolerant

2010-05-09T13:14:00.006+08:00

Tolerance is simply accepting that another person has their own point of view, their own culture, religion, etc. Tolerance doesn't even mean that everyone's belief is true or correct. It means you and I each have the right to believe what we want, whether it is correct or not.

Remember the GOLDEN RULE: Treat others how you would like to be treated.

WARNINGS: No matter how intolerant you are, you will never change the way a person is.

THINGS YOU WILL NEED: An open mind, an open heart and understanding.

STEP ONE: Resist the impulse to reject things you don't understand.

Without challenging our thought processes, we are doomed to have the same thought processes forever!

Life becomes mundane in that case as we think we know everything. Because there’s nothing for us to learn, the world becomes a pretty predictable and boring place. We get stuck in the same thought pattern spirals over and over again, hating anything that’s different or doesn’t conform to our expectations.

This makes us a very childish and volatile person. We want everything done our way because we believe our way is the right way. As a result, we forego opportunities to improve our way and become alarmed when things don’t “happen like they’re supposed to”.

So next time this urge happens, maybe it’s a good time to think, “Hmmm… here’s an opportunity to increase my awareness and expand myself!”

STEP TWO: Listen to others carefully and Try To Understand The Other Person’s Point Of View

Once we resist the urge to reject the other person’s point of view outright, it’s time to really try to understand his perspective.

We can start by holding back our thoughts of disagreement and try to really listen to what the other person is saying. We’ll keep asking him questions until we understand precisely what he is trying to communicate and why he thinks the way he does.

This accomplishes two important things. First, we start to learn about the person and the context from which he is speaking. Once we can relate some of our experiences to that context, then the things that person does will start to make much more sense.

Second, the other person can feel that you are [[genuinely interested]] in him (because you are!) By giving him the feeling of being understood, he is now much more open to trying to understand your perspective. Once you understand and feel understood, well, what’s there not to like?

STEP THREE: Embrace the exchange of ideas!

The more you do, the more tolerant you will become. By embracing many different ideas, I simply mean to welcome the exchange of ideas. It is not necessary for us all to think, believe, or act the same. It is only necessary that we allow room for us all to think, believe, or act DIFFERENTLY.

Practice this by making a point to read and listen to new ideas and ideas that you will not agree with. When you feel the urge to get mad or walk away, remind yourself that you want to practice listening to and embracing new ideas, and make yourself stay and listen.

Don't just listen reluctantly, but listen actively and look for points of common ground. Finding these points of common ground or agreement is not so that you can agree at all costs, but so you can find a jumping off point from which to debate and express your different opinions -- that is how you embrace the exchange of ideas, instead of resigning yourself to 'allow' the other person a moment to speak but closing your mind to everything that is being said.